Exactly Who is Chris Wondolowski Really?

Just what do we know about this Chris Wondolowski other than he is a dreamkiller for all who dare try to defend against him this year? Did he really go to a school called Chico State? And in what country is the state of Chico located? Is he a socialist "muslin"? Which side is he picking in this whole Steven Tyler v. Kid Rock beef? And how did he get so cotdamn lethal this year? Julie Foudy (yes, Julie Foudy) tries to find out the answers to some of these on a couch set in a goalmouth for the good of the New Soccer Nation.