Teal Bunbury Is Keeping It GQ in K.C.

When I grow up I want to be Teal Bunbury-in-a-KC-Magazine-fashion-feature smooth. Not to be weird or anything but this is how a grown man should dress. Partially because you look mature and refined but also because no matter what kind of girls you like women love it when you dress in clothes that display a sense of true style and swagger*...not clothes that display the back of your underwear-clad ass.

*I'm talking real, Webster's Dictionary swagger i.e. confidence. Not that ol' "I got bottle service in the club but still live with my momma" faux baller-sh*t.

Agudelo & Bunbury Give MLS Its "Twilight" Moment

ZOMFG Teal Bunbury and Juan Agudelo have a Twitter beef! So awesome. Sure it's not a "somebody's going to end up shot on the Las Vegas strip"-beef (these are American soccer players after all) but I'll take it since I am all for the Twilightification* of MLS.

Seriously, if this thing plays out right it could be a merchandising boon for both parties. I want to see Team Bunbury-branded, K.C.-style BBQ sauce. I want to see Team Agudelo sweatbands in my local adidas store. I want Teal dropping a diss verse on the next Drake remix. I want to see Juan score then get a yellow card against K.C. this Saturday for lifting his jersey to reveal a shirt with a picture of Teal's face with a line through it a la the Ghostbusters logo.

I'm telling you this could be big, "straight-to-DVD Agudelo vs. Bunbury movie sold exclusively at Hot Topic"-big.

*Not a real word.

VIDEO: Bunbury, Shea & Agudelo in New DSG Advert

Surely Juan Agudelo has just shattered some soccer/sports-marketing record by being included in a national TV advert before appearing in more than 4 professional matches. Oh wait, that was Freddy Adu. Nevermind.

A Booty-Bass Anthem for the GenAdi Generation

It took less than 12 hours for the hilarious call on Teal Bunbury's PK goal against Chile to hit the web in remixed form, proving that the phrase "the streets can't wait" applies to footy-freaks as well as hip hop heads.

I think every U.S. Soccer fan under the age of 45 should make this their ringtone for the week because it's stupidly fantastic. If you own an automobile with an outsized soundsystem bump this sh*t 'til the trunk rattles off it's hinges. If you own two turntables and a Serato setup drop this jawn at approximately 11:45 pm every Saturday night from now until the Egypt game. And if you are Teal Bunbury you now have a personal theme song; rock this like you wrote it, son.

Ooooooooh Canada...

Oh Canada I have so much love for you. My favorite city on the continent resides within your borders (Montreal), my preferred icewine is Inniskillin and your ability to own firearms while simultaneously suppressing the urge to shoot everybody up is beyond reproach. So I feel a little bad for y'all for getting shafted on Teal Bunbury's international future.

But only a little...this is international soccer after all. So welcome Teal and sorry Canada. I will buy you a round next week in Toronto and you can cry all over my shoulder. Or punch me in my ample American gut.