Thierry Henry's Beard Is Overwhelming

There's some big, convoluted marketing message that goes with this clip but I can't be assed to go along with it because Thierry Henry's beard looks so outlandishly, distractingy lush in the video still. Seriously, I haven't seen a beard so black, so luxurious since Barry White died.

I bet that s*** smells ridiculous too, like fine musk & fresh leather. I wonder if he oils it? He has to, right? It probably feels like virgin panda fur; so soft that brushing it would do more harm than good. Shame he cut it off though as he was probably only a season away from getting that much-coveted Just for Men endorsement.

Sanna Nyassi is The Baddest Man in MLS, Today™

Some of you have read the title of this post and now believe I am inexplicalbly more full of sh*t than usual. You're saying to yourself "Sanna Nyassi is the baddest man? C'mon son." I know it sounds crazy but we're talking about today people; after the dirt he did to RBNY last night dude deserves some sort of recognition, even if it comes from an aging manic-depressive with a Blogspot account.

Sorry Caleb Folan, but you have just been styled on in the Conor Casey replacement stakes; get comfy on that bench cousin.

Photo of the Day: One Of These Guys Hasn't Played for RBNY

Words, I have none. My dudes at Metrofanatic, on the other hand, have plenty.

VIDEO: Tina's Tips

Thank God/Allah/The Great Pumpkin that Tina Cervasio did this. If someone with a Y chromosome would have gathered a bunch of ladies together to drink champers and teach them about soccer with a bit of player beefcake on the side it might be deemed condescending and sexist (those things are frowned upon, you see). But since Tina is doing it it's cool. Right?

Haters Rejoice! MLS Beef Weekend is Upon Us!

Helluva weekend to be an MLS fan. Not only do we get the O.G. MLS beef, NY v. D.C., on Saturday night but we get the latest installment of Gerald Ford-era footie fight Portland v. Seattle on Sunday afternoon. The only way this could have been scheduled any better would have been a Friday night fight between LA and Chivas USA. Oh well, we can't have it all can we.

I may have my preferences for the outcome of each of these matches but I think one will be close and the other will be an ass-whipping. And before you assume it, I don't think that it will be the Taurine Army doing the ass-whipping (they can't play Toronto every week).

Red Bull Arena Gets a Man Cave

I love me some Red Bull Arena, I really do. No one tops it for the in-game experience. But having just spent a week nursing at the warm, tricked-out teat of LIVESTRONG Sporting Park I now notice that there is a lot of unused space at RBA. Or enough of it to build a Man Cave of DIY tv at least.

Also, Teddy Schneider is tiny. I honestly think that him, Dane Richards and Luke Rodgers bring down the team height average by 6 inches.

The Free TT Movement: Because Someone Has To, Right?

I'm not saying he should be freed --I mean he did hit a dude in the back of the head-- but I just love "Free Person X" movements. They never work but they're always so precious and spawn great t-shirts and stickers. So make yours today!

Seth Stammler Returns to NYC...and I'm in KC

I'm in Kansas City and enjoying it immensely. Nice people, great BBQ and an awe-inspiring stadium. Plus, you can buy a beer in bar for $2 instead of $8. A fellow could get used to this.

I am bummed out though that I will not be in New York tonight for Seth Stammler's return. I always thought he was underrated in this league and he's probably my all-time favorite RBNY player. Dude wasn't flashy but he was versatile and gutsy. And he only needed one shoe.

Photo of the Day: Henry Holds Power Lunch with Swizz Beats

I showed this picture of Thierry Henry and Swizz Beats having lunch at Cipriani yesterday to my girl Jackie Pickering and she said "I wonder who had dibs on the red hat?" These are life's big questions America.

Long Live LIVESTRONG Sporting Park

So I spent a good part of yesterday at the new park in Kansas City and the place is a palace. So in the interest of sacking up and stating that I was wrong, wrong, wrong I hereby rescind my previous statement re: LIVESTRONG's place in my personal SSS pecking order. For me this place is in a dead heat with RBA for the number one spot. Can't wait to see what it's like tonight with a crowd inside.

Hoboken is the Manhattan Beach of the East Coast

If there is a Red Bull New York ghetto, Hoboken, NJ is it. The city that is notorious for an inordinate amount of colorless bars, post-college frat boys and hot-yet-bland future trophy wives is also home to Tim Ream, Austin da Luz, Carl Robinson, Juan Agudelo, Matt Kassel and Hans Backe*. Read all about their lives in "the Mile Square" and sympathize with Backe as he laments the city's lack of a proper badminton pitch in the latest issue of H-Mag.

*Full disclosure: I'm a former Jersey City resident and Hoboken is to JC what Seattle is to Portland. It's not better or worse, just different.

The Best Faux NY Post Headline You Will Read Today

"Goats Gore Bulls in Belated Battle of Barnyard Beasts"

That's all I have because that headline would shine brighter than anything I could write about that game. I challenge you to do better. No, seriously please leave your own terrible/brilliant NY Post-style headline in the comments. I need to be entertained this morning.

Wednesday Night MLS Orgy Heading Our Way

There's too much MLS tonight. That's not a complaint just a fact. Dallas play Toronto, Philly host Becks-less LA, and the Whitecaps welcome the Earthquakes to Vancouver to party like it's 1978 in a NASL redux match. How am I supposed to watch all three of those meaningful matches and the alleged "Arsenal of MLS"'s random foreign friendly du jour in Montreal tonight?*

The answer is probably "with an iPad, laptop and the TV all on at the same time." Basically I plan on making my living room a furnace of incremental radiation from the hours of 7pm to 12pm tonight. I would encourage you to do the same but I don't want to take responsibility for the drop in sperm count that you may experience due to 5 hours of "laptop lap."^

*Interesting that so far this year New York has played or announced friendlies in Mexico, Quebec, England and Arizona. Are dudes really an international draw now? Mind you the latter location is technically the U.S. but only for another few weeks if you believe the militia men and immigration-concerned people that yell at you on cable news.

^"laptop lap" is when you spend too much time on the couch on your computer and your wedding tackle becomes hot, uncomfortable and possibly useless.

No Love for LA

For whatever reason, this week LA has usurped Rebecca Black's "Friday" as the focal point of America's hatred. Luke Rodgers thinks their captain is "a prick". Former striker Carlos Ruiz says they ain't all that. And roommates/renters Chivas USA thinks their fans are as artificial as crash test dummies. Oh well, I guess that's just what happens when you're on top.

But on the flip side they did get awarded MLS Cup for this year. No matter how whack you think they are you can't hate on going somewhere that will be 80 degrees the week before Thanksgiving. So unless you live in Miami this is nothing but a win for all of us. Keep hating haters but know that LA will be giving you warm, sunny poolside tongue kisses in November. Just sayin'.

#LAvNY: A Meal of a Match (in Appetizer Form)

There's not too much I can say at this point about the most recent installment LA v. NY that hasn't already been said, blogged or Tweeted. With the exception of the Vancouver comeback game against Sporting KC, the first 45 minutes of this match were the most entertaining so far in the young season.

If you missed it because you were in the club, a bar or midnight mass you can catch the game in a 20 minute condensed version on Youtube. Knock yourself out.

#LAvNY

It's that time of year again. Y'all ready for greatest NY-LA sports rivalry since the great East Coast-West Coast Skee Ball Wars of 2006?

All You Every Wanted to Know About John Rooney But Couldn't Be Bothered to Ask

Bold prediction: John Rooney will see more MLS success than Jeff Curtain.

Mike Petke's Talking Trash and Kicking Ass Mixtape

Mike Petke: Instigator. Because "Mike Petke: Sh*t-disturbing bad-ass" is just too much.

Agudelo & Bunbury Give MLS Its "Twilight" Moment

ZOMFG Teal Bunbury and Juan Agudelo have a Twitter beef! So awesome. Sure it's not a "somebody's going to end up shot on the Las Vegas strip"-beef (these are American soccer players after all) but I'll take it since I am all for the Twilightification* of MLS.

Seriously, if this thing plays out right it could be a merchandising boon for both parties. I want to see Team Bunbury-branded, K.C.-style BBQ sauce. I want to see Team Agudelo sweatbands in my local adidas store. I want Teal dropping a diss verse on the next Drake remix. I want to see Juan score then get a yellow card against K.C. this Saturday for lifting his jersey to reveal a shirt with a picture of Teal's face with a line through it a la the Ghostbusters logo.

I'm telling you this could be big, "straight-to-DVD Agudelo vs. Bunbury movie sold exclusively at Hot Topic"-big.

*Not a real word.

Photo of the Day: The Frenchman & The Mayor

I know the Cosmos think they run New York but who have they got sitting courtside at the Knicks game with Bloomberg? And don't tell me Pele. I want a player, not staff.