People Are Wearing Sounders Garter Belts Now

Nothing says "wedded bliss" in a time of 50/50 divorce rates like bespoke Seattle Sounders garter belts. Guys, if she'll rock your club colors on her special day she's a keeper. And ladies, if you do this you can hold it over his head every time you want him to do something undudelike* like hold your purse while you shop Anthropologie or go to Duane Reade for feminine hygiene products. It's a win-win.

*Not a real word.

Bumpy Pitch x Nike x USMNT

In what has to be the most awesomely-unholy union in the history of soccer shirts, them boys at Bumpy Pitch have teamed up with Nike for a new USMNT-themed tee. If you don't cop this now you will regret it later.

And I'm not just talking to my dudes here, ladies you can rock this as well and let all of your disgraced beauty queen fantasies flow forth from the sash. To quote DFA 1979, "come on now girls I know you know what you want."

New Blog on the Block: Beautiful Gear

Chris Toy of Studs Up fame has a new concern called Beautiful Gear. It's basically Uncrate for footie freaks. Among the wares currently on display is the really fine kit from local Dallas team Portman Kunis which is pictured above.

The team name is an homage to the sapphic love scene between unnecessarily sexy Black Swan co-stars Natalie Portman & Mila Kunis. If for some reason you have any doubt about that being the true origin of the Portman Kunis moniker check the scissors in the badge. Also, the guy who made the jersey says so.

For more cool ish to blow your cash on checkout BeautifulGear.com.

UPDATE: I have learned from a reputable source (read: @beautiful_gear) that this blog is not new and is not just Chris Toy. So there you go. Knowledge = power...or something.

Happy Earth Day Y'all

It's Earth Day. Treat yourself right with soft-assed T-shirt from Bumpy Pitch.

SF Approves of New RBNY Kit, Lance Amrstrong May Not

Y'all seen the new RBNY away kits? It's the thingy in the image above. Love that they dropped the Tour-de-France faux-zipper/button thing of the last few years and brought in something minimal. I think for the first time since the rebrand they've actually produced a jersey that I would wear outside of a matchday.

NFL Gets Soccer Makeover Just in Time For SuperBowl

Can you imagine how many American heads would explode if the Green Bay Packers and the Pittsburgh Steelers trotted out onto the field at JerryWorld on Sunday rocking these soccer-inspired kits? Shedloads, that's how many; you'd be picking bits of brain out of your blue cheese dip for days (and yet you would probably still eat your hot wings).

But somebody out there --probably a foreigner or fellow fan of this "communist sport"-- possessing an eye for design, baller-assed Photoshop skills and a desire to see futbol/football miscegenation come to life created a slew of these fake kits and they are f*cking awesome. Seriously, these are better than many soccer jerseys and every NFL jersey out there today. If anyone knows who did these holler at me; they deserve all credit due.

UPDATE: Creator found. Rhode Island represent!

It's All Gone Wong Wong

For y'all that like to ball, check out WongWong.com; they've got some really unique, damn-near bespoke soccer-inspired fashion that you may or may not feel compelled to cop. They also run one of the most tasteful soccer blogs ever created by human beings and not by a secret, sentient computer version of MOMA. It's not for everybody but if you are looking for something stylish and different that still says "I spend my Saturday's singing obscenities in public" this is your sh*t.

Bonus track: a 'lil something yours truly did for the day job on Wong Wong founder Stephen Wong.

I Will Never Wear These Shoes But the Ad is Awesome

Welcome to America, Li-Ning. Nice touch using Portland (U.S. home of Nike & Adidas) for the location and Ashy Larry & that one dude from 40 year-old Virgin in your "coming out" advert. Your shoes may be ugly as hell but at least you have some balls.

Barcelona-Real Madrid: The Biggest Question

Typically I try to avoid discussion of foreign football that has no American connection. But then again I'm also pretty superficial sometimes so let me just ask y'all a question: which shirt should I wear this afternoon?

Specifically which Barça shirt (copped from Soccerpro.com) should I rock because there ain't no way in hell I'm repping Madrid y'all, sorry. This yellow joint or this black joint? I'm thinking the yellow looks better with my boxers --'cause I'm off today and I'm going to be siting on my couch looking like slob watching the game-- but the black is more slimming (did you know I'm overweight? Crazy, right?). But then again if I'm chunky and wearing a yellow shirt then I'll just come off like a Black Big Bird, which isn't the best of looks. These are life's tough decisions. Viva Barça!

Bumpy Pitch Has Got That New-New For You

America's undisputed kings of independent soccer-lifestyle clothiers*, Bumpy Pitch, have just pulled back the curtain on their latest collection of ultra-high quality tees for the discerning footie fan. Check out the latest from my guys --including the Bronx United jawn pictured above-- here, wait for it here, then wear it here, meet her, then (maybe) end up here^.

*That's right, I'm crowning their ass.
^Am I saying that a t-shirt will land you a lady? No. But dressing well can have a positive effect on your love life.